I may not hold another pair of little hands in my hands, I now take comfort to know that my heart has reached heaven. I will love you forever, baby. #10112016
Sometime in June, I tried to update my phone’s iOs. Everything was going on smoothly. Suddenly, my internet connection decided it would be very fun to be disconnected that no amount of resetting would work. My phone won’t turn on, and I was already panicking. When it went back to its senses, I was prompted to connect my phone to itunes.
My calvary started.
When my phone finally turned on, I was asked to restore and back up. I did.
One, two, three, ten minutes.
My phone turned off and on again. Then poof!
Everything was cleared!!!!!!
I swear, I cried a lot. All of Enzo’s first year in gradeschool got deleted. All of my unspoken thoughts. The music I listen to depending on my mood. My life’s events. The numbers I call when things get too shitty. EVERYTHING.
I researched and researched on what I can do. I installed several recovery softwares, brought my phone to different Mac Centers, and resorted to Greenhills’ possible help – TO NO AVAIL.
No one can help me. Nothing worked.
I did not give up hoping for 3 months. It was only last September when I decided to start re-installing my phone apps. It was a tough, tedious and bloody process.
I had to ask everyone for the names of those who call and send me SMSs. My daughter is so smart to tell me that I should stop worrying about the photos because those school events will again happen this school year. Our wacky photos, she can still remember.
I am still in the process of trying to re-do my phone. Yep, I have noooooo back-up of my phone. Boo.
It was a huge mystery how a non-living thing can intimidate and hurt me that much. 😵
How (really) should a husband and wife fight?
You see, I am not a nagger wife. I don’t nag when my husband goes home late due to work, due to a night out with his friends or officemates. The only time that I nag him (and my daughter) is everytime he forgets to put his used clothes in the hamper. That simple.
Okay, fine. I nag them when I ask them to do things which they (most of the time) ignore, and I, ending up doing it myself. Read: fix their mess, eating time, take a bath, bring out the trash…
My temper can bring the worst out of me. I curse and utter bad words. I throw things. I glare. I confront. I just don’t raise my voice, I shout. I make sure to give everyone a piece of my mind. People never hear the end of me. But that was all before. I think I’ve written about it.
Seven years into marriage, I believe I have changed a lot. I mean a lot.
When I seriously get mad or frustrated at my husband, I have the tendency to shut my mouth, and not talk at all. Even the innocent frozen meat will suffer with my silent and cold treatment. I’ll shrug and just say nothing when asked, even when forced.
I’d rather keep things to myself than regret what I might blurt out later on.
But it consumes me. It’s tiring. It’s unpeaceful inside. I can not concentrate. Negative vibes radiates all over me.
Husband and I had our second major fight the other night. I started ignoring him on Thursday night and it lasted for five days. Yes, 5 days. He’s Cebu bound on Tuesday, so he made sure we resolve our issues before he left.
It was a major fight for me because it’s only the second time in our married life that we both raised our voices, and almost, almost cursed. Enzo was already asleep, so she didn’t witness it.
It’s part of my duty as his wife to pack for his stuff everytime he goes on an OB trip. But we weren’t ‘bati’, so I ignored him, and he was proud enough not to ask for my help. After a while, he got pissed because his things seem not to fit his overnight backpack. He started throwing tantrums and forced me to go out of the room (I was busy watching Suspicious Partner, a Korean Drama hehe).
I coldly told him that he still lack somethings in his bag and that’s where the argument started. I was hesitating to spill the beans, but he just won’t leave me alone. It took me probably an hour to speak.
When I started crying, he got angrier. How could I cry without telling him my reasons daw. It was a 3-hour long talk. Unpeaceful talk. We went out of the house so we won’t wake Enzo up. He kicked two monoblock chairs and I threw several things on the table. Fight mode talaga.
At 2AM, my head was already starting to hurt because of crying and he already had lots of mosquito bites on his legs.
The fight ended at 3 goodness gracious in the morning. We met halfway and compromised.
I did not regret the fight we had. He said sorry, I did not. Why? Just because. They say people in relationships needs to say sorry not because you are wrong, but because you do not want to lose the person. I kinda sorta disagree. I did not say sorry because I stand firm that I got mad with the right reasons. It would be a half-baked, insincere apology. I do not want that. He knows it, too.
With puffy, swollen eyes and a throbbing head, I am able to send him off his OB trip peacefully. He left the following day with a lighter mood, he said. We might not be 100% okay, but atleast we have talked. It is an achievement for him daw to get me talking. I agree. It’s a huge step for me, too.
We started exchanging one liner SMSs when he was enroute to the airport (thank you, Grab). Enzo arrived home at 10:30AM that day (exams week, shortened period), so she asked if we can talk to her dad. He was already in Cebu, that time.
Iba talaga pag may bata. They will and can always bridge the gap of their parents. The coldness of our voice was still felt, but when Enzo placed the call on speaker phone, wala na. Husband took the chance to make me harot. I can not afford to let Enzo see and feel that we fought.
When husband said I love you, and he can’t wait to go home (wala pa syang half day don), his sincerity dawned on me. The tiredness I felt from the past days of our cold war slowly disappeared.
I suddenly missed him. A part of me is still mad. Something is slowly creeping and slithering in my heart, swallowing the inis and hate that I feel. I tried hard to fight the feeling, but it really is crippling.
The last call he made was at 11PM. He made kwento about his day and told me he wish we were with him kasi super laki daw his bed, and he sure know I’ll love the soft pillows. He was checked-in by his company at Marriott Hotel, so it was really a sosyal place.
We both were watching the late night news while talking, when it was announced that November 15-17 is already a holiday. I believed we both got excited because it was also around that time two years ago when we went to Pico de Loro for my 30th birthday.
The call ended with another round of iloveyous from him. My head is telling me that my pride is right, but my heart is telling me otherwise. I sent him a goodnight message, and also wish him home.
And yes, I already miss him. I still love him very, very much.
My eyes? They still look like this as of writing:
Sorry na sa messy eyebrows. Exams week, di ba nga? No time for threading ✌🏻
I was on a year hiatus! My blog slept for a year! I have a lot to tell you 😅 Sa sobrang dami, wala akong naisulat. Even my drafts do not have any. Hehe.
How have you been?
Have you been well? Good.
Have you been troubled? Good.
Have you felt unsure? Good.
Have you been indecisive? Good.
Are you still there? Great. Continue reading “I’m Back! 🤗”