Next to ILOVEYOU, the line, “I will always be here for you ” is the most used promise among any relationships – romantic, friendship, parental, co-workers. It’s very easy to say, eh. It’s easy to stay with somebody when they are happy. We enjoy that. But when that person is sad or down, we sometimes forget that we once made a promise to be there. I’ve proven myself that.
An uncle of my husband passed away. Rest in peace, Kuya Bennet. My husband’s as broken as the immediate family members. I sensed it. I saw it in his eyes. But after my father’s death, I find it hard to be always there for everyone. When my friends Roxanne and Tin lost their fathers, my empathy and sympathy were full. I felt their pain. I felt their loss. My minds says I have to be there but my heart felt I can’t. I went to Roxanne’s father’s wake. I failed to go to Tin’s, I remember Enzo was very sickly that year.
Broken as I am, I do not remember visiting anyone in the hospital who’s under critical care or condition. Not even Tiya. It was my mama and my brother who were there. Call me selfish, but I can’t. I wasn’t brave enough. I felt my world ready to crumble. I felt like losing my sanity. I just can’t.
I avoid taking in calls early in the morning because that’s how my mom told me of my father and tiya’s death. I dread the sound of life machines. I hate the eerie feeling of hospitals where in you stand between a very thin line of life and death. I cringe at the thought of being pressured to decide whether you’ll sign a Do Not Rescucitate waiver. I am selfish. I am a coward. I am a liar.
But not this time. I still didn’t go to the hospital, esp knowing that my uncle in law was in ICU. It was my husband who paid a visit. I waited for updates from everyone. When Kuya B had his last breath, husband immediately called me (he was at work). I had goosebumps. I said a liitle prayer, went to the restroom and cried.
The tears were all for panghihinayang. Hinayang because Kuya B’s still young. His 3 daughters, apo and wife will miss him a lot. I KNOW EXACTLY HOW IT FEELS TO BE ON THEIR SITUATION. No one can question that.
When we got hime that night, husband was very sad. It was already sinking into him. I saw it. I saw that he is very sad. In pain. Natakot ako. I have not seen him like that after I gave birth to Enzo at 33 weeks only.
I know I have to gather my shits together and BE ACTUALLY THERE FOR MY HUSBAND, for goodness’ sake. I can not be selfish and coward and a liar because somebody needs me. I have to be for once, genuinely strong, because my husband is broken. I have to make him feel that I am here.
I have to set aside the fact that I am a wreck. I have to be the woman that a husband needs from a wife in this time of emotional crisis. I have to make my husband feel that it’s okay to be emotionally weak because he have me , and he can draw strength from me.
Kuya B has been laid to rest. My husband still feels sad, and I let him. For once, I HAVE ACTUALLY BEEN THERE FOR HIM.