Effed Up


I am on a leave today. I had an appointment with my bagong lumang OB, Dra. Edith Saludares. 

   

As a background:

I’ve been having an on and off period since June. As in every other week. At first I thought it was just because of stress of not having a nanny. Read here. 

But I noticed my periods are heavier, I am more bloated, dysmenorrhea, head ache and mood swings are becoming untolerable. With my OB history, this should raise an alarm. 

Arrived the clinic at 9:30ish am.

I was seen agad naman.

I had to undergo IE to check my cervix, pap smear and trans-v utz. 

   
I am starting to hate that process. 

I hate lying down, opening my legs and feeling the probe inside me. 

I hate seeing my OB and my sonologist’s reactions.

I hate waiting for my OB to talk.

I hate listening to whatever she says. 
My daughter cysts are still there.

They aren’t growing. Good.

No cervical and endometrial infections.

Endometrium is very, very thin. 

I am still NOT OVULATING. 

No ovulation. 

I am not producing any egg cell.

My husband’s sperm cells never met any mature ovum. 

Nadah. 

None.

Wala. 

Zero.

It’s been 18 months since I last had my DPV shot, kaya my OB is also clueless now as to why. My glucose, TSH, cholesterol, lipid profile are all within normal limits. 

I’ve been on a riceless dinner since February. I even subscribe to a 1200 calorie diet. I’ve been exercising. I’ve lost a good 10 kilos! That’s 22 something pounds! I am just a size 8 from size 12-14. I did that because that’s what my OB told me. TO FUCKING LOSE WEIGHT.

Pero bakit wala pa din akong egg cells?!?! The roller coaster emotion is fucking tiring. Hopeful and positive ako lagi pagpunta ko ng clinic, pero lagi namang opposite pag alis. Nakakagalit. Nakakapagod. Bakit yung iba magtama lang mga mata nilang mag-asawa buntis na?! Bakit yung mga gusto ng mag control ng family yun pa din ang nabubuntis?!? Bakit ako, hindi?! Bakit ayaw pa ibigay?!?

Tapos yung mga tao pa insensitive. Kesyo bakit hindi pa sundan si Enzo. Na ang hina naman naming mag asawa. Na kesyo naunahan na kaming magka-anal ng kapatid ng kapitbahay ng bilas nung kaibigan ng barangay captain ng kabilang ibayo na nanalo sa pustahan nung fiesta. 

Eh ano bang tawag nila kay Enzo?! Anak ko yon! Pakshet talaga. Baket, contest ba ‘to?!?! Icru-crucify ba kami kapag hindi nasundan si Enzo?!?

Yeah. Galit ako. Galit ako sa sarili ko. Galit ako sa katawan ko. Galit ako ngayon.

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