My Dearest Macko,
Our college friends say that I should be over it by now. It has been a year and that should be sufficient enough to accept that we never happened. Or almost. Sometimes, I guess they are right. I really should have been over calling our common classmates, asking them about you, calling your dorm pretending to be somebody else hoping that I finally get in touch with you, or sending you SMS every time I think of you. I really should recover from my so-called-drama-and-pain-and-trauma and my what-could-should-would-have-beens should end.
I would always defend myself that I need a closure. I need a fucking closure. I wanted answers. No, I demand you to answer my questions. I wanted to know why you suddenly left me hanging, I wanted to hear your reasons why you stopped calling me, seeing me and for goodness’ sake, making me feel special. What happened to our entire semester.being.together. I wanted to know how in the world did your feelings came to an end. I wanted you to teach me how.
I would always defend my sadness knowing how crazy we were for each other. I would always tell our friends that you needed me, you needed me to boost your confidence because you don’t take high regards for yourself.
I wanted to know what went wrong. I know we were more than friends. We held hands. We went out. We watched movies. We sat beside each other in all of our classes. We’d talk until our last class. We’ll talk for hours on the phone every single night. We laughed at and with each other. We were actually happy. You told me you were. You made me feel you were.
Then you stopped. You stopped caring. You stopped taking in my calls, You stopped responding to my emails. You stopped talking to our common friends. Could it be because I had to transfer to another school? I could not understand. You didn’t change your mobile number. My emails did not bounce back. You were like a bubble that suddenly burst.
I was very broken. I didn’t know when, where and how to pick up my broken pieces. It was so hard. I can not move on. I refuse to move on. I held on to our happy moments. Though short-lived, I loved them. It was my last string of hope. I tried thinking that you got bored or you found someone new, I do not know.
I should stop whining how kapal you are when I saw standing next to me in a line waiting for our turn to be served in a coffee shop in Ortigas. I can still remember how my heart skipped a beat and world moved very slow to a sudden halt when you smiled and said hi. I was about to respond back when this young tall lady of our age, sun-kissed skin (that I found a little weird because it was December), thin lips, long, brown hair, almond eyes, placed her arms around your waist and uttered, “Hi Dear! I guess I have to change my order.”. I wanted to smack your face right there, right then. I turned my back and forced myself not to cry. I was so fool to even feel that way.
I didn’t know how to react after that day.
I wanted to blame myself, I wanted to blame you, and I wanted to blame that girl. If blame game was legit, I would be a grandslam champion. That’s how bitter I am. But I had nothing. There never wan an “us” or “we”. It was all singular – you, and me.
I hope that girl can offer you whatever you wanted. More than I am willing to give.
Gosh. I saw this in my dalaga email drafts. Haha. Parang ang sakit ng pinaghuhugutan ko, no?! College days ko pa ‘to. I tried reminiscing the feelings, pucha, masakit nga ha! Hahaha. Contrary to that letter, Macko and I had a closure. I got the answers I was craving to have. We finally met 4 years after I was left hanging. We were both working na. Degree holders, board passers. It was a mutual decision to have a closure. Siguro we were already mature enough to arrive to that decision. He was in a rocky relationship with ‘that’ girl, and I was already with somebody else, too.
He told me he got scared, because he thought I was already very serious with him. He thought that I was already looking forward to forever. He thought that it would be very unfair for me, because he only would like to enjoy our moment together. He thought blah, blah, blah.
I really laughed hard after his monologue. As in maiyak-iyak ako kakatawa! He was so selfish kasi! These were my exact words: GAGO KA PALANG BAKLA KA EH! LUMIGAW LIGAW KA, EH DI SIYEMPRE, AKO MAS GAGO, AASANG PANG MATAGALAN! BAKIT KO NAMAN AAKSAYAHIN YUNG ORAS KO THAT TIME! BAKLA! Hahaha. He only also laughed.
Had I known, hindi ko na sana tinorture yung sarili ko dahil sa kanya. I shouldn’t let my friends thought that I was so pathetic hoping for a closure.
Pero okay na okay na okay na ako, na kami. We rekindled the friendship after that ‘date’, and it has never been better. We remained friends. He broke up with ‘that’ girl, we had several dates pa after, no strings attached, became even closer, I had my series of heartbreaks pa (malandi), until he finally decided to work abroad, and I, to get married.
All’s well that ends well pa din.