you can not blame me if…


Since he’s no longer with you guys, then maybe I can now talk about this.

He = my husband.

 

I think nobody, no, no one, zero, nadah, naaah, wala, waley, wit, can ever blame me for feeling a little bad towards some of the people ‘up there’. No, this ain’t sour graping. This ain’t biting the hands of those who fed us. This is just ranting and venting out. A healthy one.

 

He joined you in March 2010. Two months after we’ve tied the knot. He was still single when his initial interview happened. I was 6 months pregnant.

 

Right after we got married, we promised my late Tiya that we’ll go home to Abra during the Holy Week so he’ll personally see the place where I spent most of childhood summer. Ash Wednesday came, and you told me that you’ve to work on Maundy Thursday, Good Friday and Black Saturday – maintenance works, works that you can not do on ordinary days because employees will be in the office. It caused me river of tears, but I understood. I went home with mama and my siblings, my nephew and niece.

 

I had my pre-term labor (which was halted) in April. April 12 to be exact. Since he was a new employee, having no leave credits yet, he was only able to bring me to the hospital and pick me up when I was discharged. It was my sister-in-law and my mama who accompanied me in the hospital for 3 days. He’ll arrive in the hospital after office hours, though. I was placed on a bed rest. Complete bed rest with no bathroom privileges. I have to eat on our bed. I can only stand up to pee, and sit down while taking a bath. Awkward as it may be, I always have to tell my father-in-law that it’s my bath time so he can bring the chair inside the bathroom, and that I want to poop so he can stay outside the comfort room, just in case, my valsalva becomes a little exaggerated. It was fine, I understood.

 

I am supposed to give birth in June. However, my little tot was more excited than us that she has to come out in May 30. Again, husband has to be in the office and in and out of the hospital because he wasn’t granted a paternity leave due to his probationary status, only to find out that PL is granted regardless of the employee’s tenure. Again, it was fine, I understood.

 

Ber months came. It’s gonna be our first Christmas as a family. But you were too busy. You had 5-7 Christmas parties to attend, ingress, egress, committee, invited, etc. You just provided me the list of all your godchildren, provided me with extra budget, just said yes or no with my menu plans, and attended our Noche Buena and Media Noche. Same thing happened in 2011, 2012 and 2013. It was fine, I understood.

 

It was 2011 when our little tot’s health was jeopardized. I had to search for a lot of pediatric surgeons, call them one by one, and bring our kid there to be checked. It was a painful experience. We’ve to take a cab from home to the pedia surgeon’s clinic. I was forbidden to cry because I do not want Enzo to see me weak. I have to be extra strong because her case wasn’t ordinary. You weren’t able to accompany us (aside from the single moment that you drove us to OLLH) because you’ve just got a parallel promotion. It was when Litton was given to you. After the 5th opinion from the pedia-surgeon, I decided to rest. It was again, fine, I understood.

 

I can not count the times that I have to rush myself to the hospital, that even if I was chilling, with high grade fever, or dying with pain, I would not bother you to accompany me. You hated hospitals, too. When I was scheduled for a CT Scan, you’re supposed to be with me. After two hours of waiting, and my radiologist’s patience running out, I decided to undergo the procedure- alone. I was already dressed back when you called, and explained what happened in the office, because of Butch. It was fine, I understood.

 

During papa’s 4th death anniversary, it was only me who went home. After a few weeks of planning, every plans were cancelled because of an emergency – in the office. I was disappointed, but then, I understood.

 

When my dearest Tiya passed away, I was asking you, no, I almost begged if you can accompany me to Abra, together with my siblings and the kids. In as much as you want to, you can’t. A fun run was up coming and there goes the ‘command responsibility’ line from your boss again. I understood.

 

I can not count the times when our supposedly happy, romantic and calm husband and wife dates were interrupted with just one phone call, that you have to go rush to RET, to Litton, to Chic Centre, to Libis, to Mandaluyong Staff House, to Quezon City, to Subic, to Baguio, and worse, Cebu. But then again, I understood.

 

Our family days mean having our grocery shopping in Robinsons Galleria – while Enzo and I are doing the grocery, you’ll be in RET to make sure your boys are doing their stuff, as instructed.

 

Our house ceiling became Enzo’s ‘kahati’ in diaper use, because water leaks every time it rains. You vowed to do the repair on summer of 2011, but you have to do major renovations in GBF Auditorium. 2012 was the Sales office. 2013, you were in QC. Being a member of the Emergency Response Team, you have to be in the office, saving lives while we worry the water at home. The diapers became our laughing stock. It was fine, I understood.

 

.

 

Though we do our very best not to discuss work at home, there were times that you’re forced to tell me what’s happening. I found out about the lawyer when you almost cried while in RobGalle’s parking, when she shouted at you, telling you to get out and she don’t care.

 

Ms. Opinion’s story was funny. You were shouting her name in your sleep, followed by Daboy and Nelson, instructing them on what to do with her never ending requests.

 

I’ll see you awake at 2-3-4AM, outside, having coffee alone because your staff failed to update one of the director of his request, or that staff missed one of your deadline, or that staff can’t meet the expectations of your SVP, and you are being pressured by the bosses to help that staff improve, that no matter what you do, that staff just won’t, that staff was placed on that position to fill up the position you left when you became a manager, yet there’s still a huge void, a huge empty space, that you still act as a one man team because of that SINGLE staff.

 

 

Though I understood everything (or I tried to understand), I am not saying I didn’t get mad, frustrated, disappointed and furious. You were the ‘yes sir’, ‘sure ma’am’, ‘no problem’ type of man. And you were a MANAGER.

 

After all our sacrifices, after giving the people the most and the best that we can provide, it still was not enough. It was August of 2013 when a major breach of confidentiality happened, and lo and behold, I became the talk of the town. Oh well up there. People were trying to sugar coat things saying that they just wanted to verify, to clarify, no accusations, but hell, my name has been dropped. No body dared to face me, no body dared to ask me personally. Another instruction was made to keep everything STRICTLY CONFIDENTIAL. After a month, another employee from one of the business unit finally had the balls to ask me about the ‘breach’ that has long been being talked up there. Hurray for confidentiality. I was already about to leave BCFG when another employee asked me about the issue. That almost caused us our job. Maybe next time, I can write about what exactly transpired here. STRICTLY CONFIDENTIAL = JOKE.

 

I did not say a word for the longest time. I am still thankful for all the blessings that your stint with the up there has brought our lives. I am still thankful that they made you a better man, a custom fit for the corporate world. They challenged you enough to prove them that you can do more than what they ask you.

 

We’ve fought a lot because I felt like your priorities weren’t clear. There were a lot of cold treatments, and shoulder shrugging and not talking and crying. You know I cried a lot. I know I’ve tested your patience so much. I know I’ve said a lot of crazy things. But then, you always tell me you know where I was coming from.

 

Just imagine my joy when I finally saw you smile after a day’s work again. Imagine how excited I am to hear your updates about your current projects and responsibilities. We still have a lot to discover about your new venture, but so far, I’m glad to be spending the weekend with you. You, with us.

 

Now, is it too much to ask that everyone who caused him pain, disappointment, headaches, let him go, let him free, and just keep him as history, and remember his legacy? Including you. Yes YOU.  No more calls, no more sms, no more shadow of you. Let the mister move on. Let those who genuinely stayed with him during his downtimes remain – Nelson, Lindo, ESA LMI, the SGs and his yosi buddies. For those who weren’t mentioned, we’ll still pray for you 😛

 

So don’t blame me if I kinda sorta show the other side of me – a little maldita, a little suplada. I have all the right. The effin right. You, especially YOU, will never understand me unless you’ve walked the path that I took, wore the shoes that I wore, and stand on the grounds where I stood.

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