ON BEING A BATTERED (ex) GIRLFRIEND


From dictionary.com

Batter \Bat”ter\

adj 1: damaged by blows or hard usage; “a battered old car”; “the beaten-up old Ford” [syn: beat-up, beaten-up] 2: damaged especially by hard usage; “his battered old hat” 3: beaten repeatedly with heavy blows; “a battered child”; “the battered woman syndrome” [syn: beaten]

The Battered woman syndrome? I checked again what is this all about and I found useful information at Family Law Advisor® Articles‘ WHAT IS BATTERED WOMAN’S SYNDROME? written by Lori S. Rubenstein, Attorney – Mediator. The article says, “Battered woman syndrome describes a pattern of psychological and behavioral symptoms found in women living in battering relationships.”

There are four general characteristics of the syndrome:

  1. The woman believes that the violence was her fault.
  2. The woman has an inability to place the responsibility for the violence elsewhere.
  3. The woman fears for her life and/or her children’s lives.
  4. The woman has an irrational belief that the abuser is omnipresent and omniscient.

Source: Family Law Advisor® Articles

______________________________________________________________

Abuse causes far more pain than the visible marks of bruises and scars. It is devastating to be abused by someone that you love and think loves you in return.

It was the late quarter of 2007 when I met him. He was introduced by my college bestfriend’s brother. They’ve been friends since they entered college.

He was really sweet. Little thingies made us really closer – my mom and her mom’s OB-GYNE (who became my OB, too) is one and the same, we were born in the same hospital, has the same Pedia (who is also my baby’s pedia now), same circle of gradeschool and highschool friends, etc.

It was a cool fact. After some time of dating and going out, we officially became a couple. He’s outright strict. I didn’t care at first. He won’t let me wear the clothes (I don’t use to wear a uniform with my first job) that I use to wear. He insisted on me buying new set of ‘more decent’ clothing. He started getting jealous on my male friends, even those I’ve met before we became a couple. Early morning and late night outs became an issue. He wants me to spend time only with him. I thought he’s only being sweet. I was his very first official girlfriend.

Our first major fight involved an officemate. He hates that guy because he was too close with me. During one of my graveyard shift, he accompanied me to the office (in Makati). It was a little early, so we waited downstairs. Friends and team mates started coming in one by one. Then this guy came. He became so furious when he saw him, and then he walked out. I tried calling him but he’ll just drop my call. I received more than 10 SMS after an hour or so, all accusations. Being so in-love with my man, I ended my friendship with my officemate.

Second hitting incident: I was having a training at Shaw (in Mandaluyong). He gave me a surprise visit. Not knowing he was there, I didn’t come out of the office after the training ended. He waited for 2 hours. When I came down and finally saw him, he grabbed my hair which was tied in a ponytail. He, again accused me of doing ‘kalandian’ that’s why I stayed long in the office. He only let go of me when other friends started coming.

Third hitting incident: We were ‘peacefully’ strolling along Glorietta, when I opened the idea of his mom and I discussing about his dog bite. His mom asked me to remind my then-bf to have his Anti-rabies shots taken (being a nurse, I knew the importance very much). He refused. I was explaining the cons of not having it, when he suddenly grabbed me at my neck, and told me NEVER TO INTERVENE with family matters, again. I was totally shocked and embarrassed. Imagine the commotion we’ve made when he shouted at me. I walked away as fast as I can. Inabutan niya ako sa SM Makati. Grabbed my hand and said sorry. Tanga as I am, I forgave him.

Fourth hitting incident: He participated in a gig in one of the exclusive schools in Mandaluyong. He was expecting me to be there (with some college friends) early. In as much that we want to be there on the call time he allotted, we failed. Blame it to the road blockings along P. Sanchez St. in Sta. Mesa. He was already about to finish his first song when we arrived. Right after their performance, he acted cold on me. Won’t talk, won’t say a word, won’t let me touch him. I was about to walk away, when he grabbed my arms walked fast and confronted me while my friends were watching. Nakaladkad talaga. I was dumb-founded.

There were a lot more hitting incidents. But the worst that haunted long were the verbal abuse I’ve received. He’ll curse, and turn into a monster once he’s angered. He once told me this – ‘humanap ka nalang ng ibang boyfriend, malandi ka naman eh.’ Just because an officemate greeted me when we saw each other in a mall. Lame ass!

I would always justify his acts. I blamed myself. I’ve thought that I was really a slut and a flirt. I believed that I was incapable of being a good girlfriend.

Our relationship lasted for 2 and a half years. Yes, 30 months of love-hate-hurtful-abusive relationship.

His family accepted me, though. I was always a part of all the family affairs, gatherings and out-of-town trips. He was the very first guy that I’ve introduced to my parents (even my almost 6 year ex wasn’t introduced!) His parents were aware of the verbal abuse. They’ve once witnessed it. His parents asked me to understand him.

It led me to an ultimatum when I reported to work one time with pasa on my neck, my arms, and a palm mark on my face (2009). Officemates asked me what happened, and I gave them the most lame explanation I could – nadulas lang sa sahig, tumama sa door knob, sakto parating ang monthly period, kaya very likely na magka pasa. They did not buy my excuse.

After each fights, he’ll be  the sweetest guy. He’ll pamper me, give me gifts, treat me, surprise me – everything! Pero kapag tinotopak ng kabaliwan niya, nagiging ogre siya. Worse, he’ll often do the physical hurting sa public places – sa mall, sa kalsada, sa PUV / PUB, sa cab.

This is the very first time I would ever tell the world my story (aside sa friends, siyempre). Bigla nalang pumasok sa isip ko na I am ready to tell the world. Even after breaking up, he would send me SMS like, ‘buti nalang namatay na papa mo, dahil kung hindi, hindi din siya matutuwa na gaya mo ang anak niya.’ I tried to be very civil with him. I ignored ALL  his derogatory remarks about me, my family, my friends, my life.

Few months after our break up, his sister called me. I was already with Peewee. She was also blaming me for whatever his brother has become. Naging mas mainitin daw ang ulo. Mas pumalpak sa school. Mas naging tarantado.

I never told mama about this story. She would be fuming mad, I know. Never akong nakadanas ng palo kay Papa. Never akong minura. Never akong ipinahiya. Bago ako sermunan dati, nagpapa-alam pa siya sa akin. Kahit langaw o lamok, bawal lumapit sa akin.

I’ve no clue about his life now. The last thing I heard was he wasn’t able to attend his eldest sister’s wedding because he had a big fight with his dad. Gago talaga! I blocked him in my facebook account, as well as ALL his relatives, deleted his friends, blocked him in all my yahoomail addresses, and wished him luck.

I think, insecurity is the one thing in common between the abuser and the abused. Abuse in an intimate relationship is an assertion of dominance by someone, who believes in the necessity of using violence, by whatever means, to censure, punish or discipline.  It is a type of power tripping exerted by the male to establish superiority over the female. Eventually, the girl will come to believe that it’s her fault that’s he is being beaten.Minsan, nagiging tanga talaga kapag in love na.

I hope I have imparted a valuable lesson here. His ghost no longer haunts me now. If ever karma hits him hard, I don’t care. I am happy and blessed that I was able to get out of that nightmare. Lastly, girls, always remember: “better be off; than be knocked off

I don’t care if he reads this. A friend told me that he’s denied all of my accusations, until now. I’ve expected that. Wala nga namang magnanakaw ang aaming nagnakaw siya.

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2 thoughts on “ON BEING A BATTERED (ex) GIRLFRIEND

  1. Grabe yun, pwede ulit mag mura?? P.I. If i were on ur brother shoes, nalaman ko yun, ewan ko lang. Nabadtrip ako bigla, haha prinsesa yung mga babae para sakin so affected ako.

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