on missing papa (again)


this is a re-post from my multiply account, dated 06.15.2009

 

___________________________________

 

It’s been a month since papa left us.
It has never been easy.
Everyone in the house was trying to live life in the most normal way possible.
It has been mama’s routine to process papa’s benefits for the entire weeks that she was on leave.
I went back to work.
Kenneth just started college.
Irish busied herself to her kids – Bella and Rai.
Everything seems to be so normal.

Or just we thought.

We so miss my papa.
We’ve got a huge portrait of him displayed on our house.
I can’t help but to talk to him every time I look into his eyes.
I still ask permission from him before I leave the house.
Invite him when we eat.
Smile at him naughtily if I go home late.

Papa will always be my first love.
He will always be my first hug, my first kiss, my first crush.

He will always be my best buddy.
The authority figure.
The adventurer.
The silent man.
The story teller.
The one who kept raising his kids.
The one who kept loving his wife.
The one who always pays for our bills.
The inventor.
The explorer.
The man with hands strong enough to forge a steel.
The man with hands gentle enough to mend a newborn’s heart.
The man who has a 2nd sense in judging whether something is solid.

Even if you’re gone,
I would still chuckle at your habits, and
growl at your hard headedness.

I’ll miss the way you check the air of our tires and view the way through the dashboard. Up until now, I still get amazed on how you identify the confidence in my gaze.
Papa, I’ve been struggling hard for you and with you. We’ve been through a lot of pain. We’ve been through a lot of trouble. You know how papa’s girl I am. Wherever you are right now, I’m pretty sure you’re fine. Your battle is through. It is finished. Whatever unfinished business you’ve left, I promise to finish them all for you.

When the time comes that I am ready to set out on my own journey, I know you’ll be with me in spirit, hoping for my hopes, dreaming for my dreams, and I can feel that you’ll always be there still, whenever I need you or not – JUST LIKE THE GOOD OLD DAYS.

I can’t describe enough how much pain we’re going through. I can’t figure out how to start once again. DARE TO START WITH ZERO as the tv ad goes – very easy to say, ayt?!

Up until now, everyone is still hoping that one day papa will again come home, surprise us to whatever pasalubong he has for us and the kids, hoping and waiting for the newest and corniest joke he has learned, the newest one punch liner he’ll say.

Up until now, I am still hoping that I’ll hear him call me KURDAPYA, KULASA for my SISTER and BALONG for my brother.

Up until now, I am still hoping that papa will come home to ask my mom cook the yummiest beef nilaga for us.

Up until now, I still want to see him grin, hear him laugh, hear him shout.

If only I could turn back time, I would wake up at 04:00 am last May 17, or come home earlier last May 16. We could have had our last chance to talk. Kahit konting premonition lang naman, pa.

________________

We went home in Bulacan yesterday to celebrate bella’s birthday (which is an overdue, her original birthday is Mar 2, andami lang hassle kaya hindi natuloy-tuloy).

We paid papa a visit. Nakaka-miss pa din kahit almost 2 years na siyang wala.

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